Special guest review by Sania Lee - @SanWa__
Parental advisory – explicit language.
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| Urgh |
Xbone is your fault. Yes, yours you damn fan boys.
You’ve been sucking
Microsoft’s dick for a generation,
your face is drenched with spunk; and now
you decide you don’t want to swallow
it?
Half of the original 360s broke and what did you do? “Its cutting
edge technology, you have to expect some niggles”, “They fix it for you in a month or so, what’s
the big deal?”,
“it’s not any less reliable
than any other console”. You fucking apologists!
Microsoft must have been shitting
themselves at this PR disaster,
but the fan boys came out in force and glossed over the whole thing. Cover those black eyes with concealer all you like; you won’t change him.
Do you enjoy being treated
this way? You damn sadists?
MS? S&M more fucking like.
Kinect always on? Thank you, Master Microsoft.
No lending or second-hand? Thank you, Master
Microsoft, may I have another?
Check in every 24 hours?
Thank you, Master
Microsoft, nnghh; I deserve this.
You sick fucking
puppies. This isn’t 50 fucking
shades with the red room of pain; red ring of pain, fucking maybe.
This is why they are treating you like shit now; you can’t say you didn’t
ask for it, didn’t beg for it.
This is what you get for treating
consumer electronics like a sports
team; you don’t stick with them through
thick and thin, not matter
what. When they start sucking
you buy something
else; you don’t go: “I’m a loyal fan, I’m sure they’ll
turn it around.”
Brand loyalty? If Proctor and Gamble replaced
their mild green fairy liquid
with harsh yellow
hobo piss would you squirt
it all over your dishes,
confident that the next batch would be as delicate
on your skin as it is your crockery?
No second-hand games or lending?
The future of buying games is downloads.
Microsoft knows this, and Sony knows this. But Sony had the good sense to
pay
lip-service to physical
media: Sony supports
second-hand games! (They’ll
be obsolete in two years but we support them now). While Microsoft makes a point of saying
‘fuck you’ to everyone.
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| Up the bakey |
At least Xbone can’t possibly
be as bad as the negative internet
reaction; and since no fucker
wants to buy one we should be in for a fat old price cut very early; or at least mega-bundles and free downloads.
And PC gamers
being all fucking
smug: Fuck you PC gamers.
Nobody with any sense wants the faff of playing
a PC game. Update your drivers, compatible
graphics card, install
the fucking thing;
oooh, that’s no bother at all; it’s the exact same thing as putting
the disc in the slot. It’s just as easy as a game console! Is it? You deluded fucks!
Xboners may only be able to get off if they’re treated
a little rough but PC gamers would have sex with a pig, an actual fucking
pig, and not be able to understand
why people think it’s weird.
It’s just the same as with a person! Is it? You deluded fucking
fucks!
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| I'll just watch |
Why is everyone
so quick to jump on the Xbone hate wagon?
It’s because they got fucked
by 360. They got fucked
and were told to grin and bear it; everything
will be better
next time. But it’s not better; they are treating
you worse than ever. Microsoft
is a cruel prison warden,
and the fucking
cell doors have been opened;
and everyone is fucking off to a different prison,
flipping them off as they go.
Just don’t drop the soap in the PS4 shower.
Because they’ll butt-fuck
you too.
In the butt.
Xbone: Sadists.
2/5
PS4: Gotta get some somewhere. 3/5
PC: Pig rapists. 1/5
WiiU: Make your own urolagnia
jokes, you damn sickos. Next gen? Next gen my piss-hole.
2.5/5
