Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - Grand Moff Tarkin

Grand Moff Tarkin, a character from the original Star Wars, is rendered with painstaking accuracy as a 3D computer model in Rogue One. 

"One of the most complex and costly CGI re-creations ever.” This is the absolute pinnacle of special effects, the cutting edge. 

It looks shit. 

An animated actor, playing the same character as Peter Cushing (now deceased) did in 1976. Playing a slightly younger Grand Moff Tarkin, even; since Rogue One's setting leads up to the events of the first Star Wars (Episode 4). 

CG Tarkin kind-of looks a bit younger than the original character, but he also doesn't really look any less dead than the original actor. 

Cushing disappointment

You first see the back of his head in the shadows; and a face, half-reflected in a window - and you think: 'ok, that actually looks like him.' With the smoke and mirrors, you can believe in the character. 

And then, he turns around, into the light. 

And he looks shit. 

Keep Tark in the dark

I mean, you can tell who it is supposed to be. But you can also tell it is not a human being. 

Are we, as a collective audience, supposed to pretend this doesn't look rubbish? 

This is the Emperor's new clothes. 

What we have here, is a bunch of fanboys, doing their fanboy thing; pretending that their precious Star Wars doesn't have a massive, obvious flaw front-and-centre. 

And the critics aren't helping none either:  "The effect is remarkable, if uncanny, and the technology is breathtaking." (Joseph Walsh, The Guardian). 

'The CG character doesn't look shit.'

This isn't a dig at CG characters; K-2SO shoulders most of the humour and emotion in this movie single-handed. 

But when something looks awful, you shouldn't pretend that it doesn't. 

With the sad passing of Carrie Fisher, we are looking at the very real possibility of a CG Princess Leia on our screens for Episode 8 (and beyond); a computer generated corpse puppet. As they say in the Star Wars: "this gives me a bad feeling". 

'Does Tarkin look under the weather to you?'
CGI.
'Ooh, my cousin had that.'

Rogue One has shown that computer graphics are at such a level of sophistication, that we can suspend our disbelief and see a reflection of a familiar character in the shadows. But don't put them stark-bollock naked in the centre of the frame, and tell me that I'm not looking at Grand Moff Tarkin's wrinkled old meat-saber. 

Rogue One Grand Moff Tarkin: 1 Star (potentially, franchise-ruiningly shit). 


Oh, Rogue One is ok (3 stars). If you thought Episode 7 was frivolous then this is for you, since it is 'dark'. That's what you like, isn't it? Empire Strikes Back was dark, and that was the best one. 

Lots of fan service as well - 'ooh, R2-D2 just rolled past.' Yeah, that's what you like. 

What are Star Wars fanboys even called anyway? Warsies? Starsies? Brodas? Bobba Fettishists? Fando Calrissians?  

To my mind, it remains criminal not to put a laser sword in Donnie Yen's hands; but, as the great man himself says: "I don't think you would ever let anybody else swing a lightsaber in the future. I'd set the standard so high. I'd drop the mic." Also, he wanted a rainbow lightsaber, and I'm not sure my mind could cope with that. 

Winning the Star Wars

I will also say that the score is beautiful, even for a Star Wars movie it is majestic. Best Star Wars music ever. 

There we go, end on a positive. 

the liberal elite

Liberals: you only have yourselves to blame. 

Donald Trump did not say 'all Mexicans are rapists'. Nor did he even say 'they're rapists', as a casual, racist brushstroke of an entire country's core character. 

He said that Mexico, as a nation, was not sending over their brightest talents to aid the economy of America. Rather, 'they' were sending 'their' rapists. 

So, not all Mexicans are rapists; but the ones that are, they are the ones coming to the USA. 

'Their rapists'. 

Now, that is still a deplorable, detestable thing to say. I reckon it scores about a 99 on the hatespeechometer. 

And 'they're rapists' gets a perfect 100 (ding ding ding!). 

So what is the point of nitpicking over this, with only a single hate-point between the two statements? 

Well, 'they're rapists' isn't what Donald Trump said. And then the argument becomes about what he did or didn't actually say, rather than if what he said was bad. 

You have a very good chance of winning the latter argument (even at just 99 hateful rather than 100), but the former argument? Not so much. 

This is also, partly, due to our condescending attitude towards Trump supporters: we felt the need to simplify things for them. We didn't have faith that people could see him as the hateful figure we could perceive, so we dumbed down what he said for them. I know, quite a feat; but we managed it. 

We spoke to people like they were morons; to make ourselves feel clever, superior. 

And we embellished the truth, which gave credence to ridiculous claims of rigged ballots and a biased media. 

We didn't tell it like it is. We got into a lying contest with the world's least sincere man. 

We done goofed. 

Liberal elite: 2 stars. 

If we're so smart, how did we screw up this election? 

Also, Brexit. 

Non-English speaking world, crack on without us. Good luck. Sincerely. 

Canada, give in to your French side. New Zealand, save yourself. 

'They're' and 'their' sound very similar , but if you listen to the context, it is clear which one he was saying. 

lol at Brits ragging on Americans. You are on your high horse, in a glass house, and that horse is throwing rocks.

What qualifies me as a member of the liberal elite? Well, I have been drinking flat whites since 2013. 

Aladdin: The New West End Musical.

Price Edward Theatre, London. 

The stage musical adaptation of the beloved Disney film, the West End transfer of the Broadway smash. The songs you know and love. And the songs you don't know, or love, when the movie songbook oasis runs dry. 

Ladies first: Princess Jasmine is played by Jade Ewan, famous for replacing the last remaining original member of The Sugababes (thereby completing their Trigger's Brooming), and she does a cracking job as the Princess longing to break free from the shackles of tradition by outbreeding the royal bloodline. Jasmine also has the best non-movie song in 'These Palace Walls', nailing its multi-layered harmonies with some help from her gal-pals. 

Jasmine can sing, no question; but the strongest female voice is that of Michelle Chantelle Hopewell, as Jasmine's BFF/Marketplace Fortune-teller/"still, I think he's rather tasty" interjecter; the needle on my sassometer nudged dangerously into the red whenever the spotlight was on her, before pinging off entirely during a solo. Hopewell is a-star-is-borning all over the West End stage. You can foresee her carrying 'most any top tier musical on her shoulders, including this one: I dream of (female) Genie, anyone? 

Still, while the star of Hopewell is in the ascendency, the charismatic supernova of Trevor Dion Nicholas explodes from the stage like PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER bursting forth from an itty-bitty lamp. 

As the Broadway stand-in Genie, Nicholas is a veteran of 70 plus performances and he. is. transcending. He has some big, curly shoes to fill in Broadway Genie - Tony award winning, James Monroe Iglehart, but West End debutant Nicholas is little short of phenomenal. 

You go, Trevor Dion Nicholas. 

But, let's get to the big problem with Aladdin: Aladdin.

The big solo-number for Al is the insipid 'Proud of your boy', where our hero seeks approval from his dead mother. Are we not already rooting for the underdog street rat here? 

All Aladdin really has to do is keep up with the dancing, flash toothy grins, and look constantly amazed at the constantly amazing things happening around him. But poor Dean John-Wilson is out of his depth. 

John-Wilson better wish for three more wishes, because once timing, technique and posture are magically fixed; we still have a lot of polishing to do on this rough diamond. 

Still, even though he is the title character, he is not the main character; you are here to see Genie, and Genie rubs me the right way. 

If the show was Trevor Dion Nicholas, just standing there and singing, it would still be worth spending the cost of admission; but add the sets, the choreography, the razzle-dazzle, the orchestra; and a flying carpet that I couldn't actually see the strings on, and it is damn-near worth spending a wish on a ticket. 

Everything about Aladdin is sensational (except for Aladdin). 4 stars. 

Bonus minor gripes: 

Jafar is a bit pantomime. Sultan is a bit too statesman-like (how is this benevolent leader being fooled by panto Jafar?) The pacing is a bit wobbly in the second act, we blow through both 'Prince Ali' and 'A Whole New World' straight after the intermission; leaving Aladdin's three-amigo monkey-substitutes, cowardly Omar, tubby Babkak, and 'hey, I should be playing Aladdin' leader of the group Kassim to fill time with another non-movie song (urgh) until the big finale. Speaking of the big finale, Jafar only has 2 seconds as an all-powerful Genie; the audience didn't even have time to realise that peril was happening before it was all resolved. 

Also, when Aladdin's bros and Jasmine's squad pair off, the stunning Michelle Chantelle Hopewell is lumbered with the comedy fat bro; despite obviously being the Alpha BFF, just because she ain't no size two? 

Notes: 'The Sugababes, the Trigger's Broom of girl bands' is a joke I stole from a The Guide (Saturday Guardian) from about 8 years ago. It is never too late to steal a joke. 

The staging is absolutely wonderful; the Cave of Wonders especially. Heh, they should call it The Cave of Won... No, wait, it is already called the right thing.

Sound design supremo Ken Travis was in the row behind us with a notebook, looking grumpy; possibly because of the noises coming out of Dean John-Wilsons mouth? 

Aladdin bro, Cowardly Omar (Rachid Sabitri) has his own stage weapon combat school; watch him buckle some swash in the fight scenes. 

If you what to cry like a bairn, read up on lyricist Howard Ashman's life story 😭😭😭

Reasons to be Happy

A play about a substitute teacher named Greg, who is trying to figure out just who he is; a 30-something coming-of-age story. Married and separated early in life with a dead-end job, he has now returned from university; full of wonder having read some books. Greg is vey much the modern archetype of the 'nice guy who finishes last'; he doesn't want to offend or upset anyone, desperate to please in all his relationships. 

I really cannot begin to stress how annoying he is. 

He strings along his ex-wife, and current girlfriend, and his former best-bud. He gets a '100 books to read before you die' book out at every opportunity; the world is Greg's coffee shop to be seen reading worthy books in. He is just so cloyingly needy, passively patronising, self-centred and spineless. 

Reasons to be Happy looked like a play about four individuals, two couples, whose lives are intertwined and complex. But is just about this one, whiny guy; and these three stupid bimbos (including one him-bo) that he has to dumb himself down for. Oh poor, clever, special snowflake. 

If this play is autobiographical, then writer Neil LaBute hates women: they shriek; hysterically in public, and are stupid; not having heard of Brown University (which is just down the road), and manipulative; using the threat of abortion as a tool of control. 

He also hates muscular men who get the chicks, represented here by Kent; an uneducated meathead, in the same dead end job that Greg escaped by reading a John Steinbeck novel. 

Eventually, having fully condescended to the three people in his life, Greg leaves for New York; leaving behind a guidebook to New York (not a novel, not for these dumb-dumbs), so they know to come chase after him in NEW YORK; if they would only read the BOOK he deigned to bestow upon them. 

Reasons to be Happy: an awful sitcom, that is apparently given some level of credibility just by being on stage. A red-pill menimist's comments board rant, brought to life with some dodgy American accents. 

1 out of 5 stars. 

Greg does get punched and slapped, so that's a reason to be happy. 

It isn't the actors' faults, they did all they could. 

Greg puts me in mind of Ted Mosby from How I met your Mother (actually a good sitcom, with an awful lead character).

God I hate you, Ted Mosby. 

Exploring every facet of a whiny asshole; and winding up with no character progression, right where you started off: a Mösbius strip. 

Bonus review.

How I met your Mother without Ted Mosby, or when bad things are happening to him: 4 stars.

How I met your Mother with Ted Mosby: 2 Stars. 

Sicario & Mad Max: Fury Road - Women being kick-ass in 2015

Producers wanted the lead role in Sicario rewritten for a man,and I agree with them: Sicario could have been a better movie with a male lead. The lead character in Sicario is a dupe, and a patsy.

Lead character (Emily Blunt) starts off kick-ass enough, kicking down doors and shooting up the place. 

But they are quickly outclassed in every way by a couple of grizzled pros (Josh Brolin and Benicio Del Toro), whose door kick-downing and place up-shooting skills are totally superior. And they know just what the hell is actually going on. 

After a kick-ass start, Blunt spends the next 90 mins blundering into every rookie mistake possible. 

And then she isn't even in the climax of her own movie. 

Emily Blunt has built up a fair bit of kick-ass credit as the Full Metal Bitch in middling Sci-Fi actioner Edge Of Tomorrow. 

And I would have enjoyed Blunt in Brolin or Del-boy's roles. 

I suppose the lead could have been written as male or female, and it shouldn't have mattered. But the whole 'Hollywood didn't want a female action lead' furore, that accompanied the release of Sicario, puts the spotlight on the action lead; and this character is bad at action. 

Yes, the whole point of the movie is to have a character out of their depth, in a situation they can't control. But due to being screwed by the system; not because they are a woman. 

I guess in a few years the kick-ass, female action lead will be fully established; and the flawed action lead of Sicario will have aged incredibly well. But at present, the cry went out: 'here comes a film with a kick-ass, female action lead'; and that just isn't really the case. 

But then, what happens if you make your female lead infallibly, impossibly kick-ass? Why, Mad Max: Furiosa Road happens. 

Imperator Furiosa was essentially given her own movie, in all but name. I suppose rebooting Mad Max without Max himself would have been a bit weird; but more weird than him playing second fiddle in his own comeback? 

Theron is kick-ass at punchin' n' drivin' n' shootin'. Besting Max at fisticuffs, using him as a tripod for her rifle, and it is she who drives the big rig; where Max only gets to drive his little boy-racer car. 

Theron's character is broadly analogous to Brolin, or Del Toro's in Sicario; is this the type of character women need to be playing? Or is it just it needs to not be big deal when a woman does an action scene? 

Obviously it is the later thing, rhetorical question fans. 

At least 2015 will be the last year in human history society will have to deal with this nonsense, because soon the Force will Awaken; and Nemi Astwansan will be the most kick-ass action lead of any gender. 

Although no one will be as kick-ass as Han Solo, obvs. 

Sicario: 6/10

Furiosa Road: 7/10

Theron's character is certainly broadly analogous to Brolin, or Del Toro's in Sicario for the purposes of what I am writing here, that is for damn sure. 

Han Solo: he acts like he doesn't care, but he does. (TM:TM). 

Haywire: the punchin' convinced, but folk didn't buy the acting. I quite dig this film. 

Kick-Ass: Hit Girl is a huge fan favourite, partly because it is awesome to see a young girl swearing and fighting like she has a black belt in both; but mainly because she kicks the most ass. 

I... I didn't Google the name of the Star Wars chick. Padwé Udwelo? 

Alright, pal. Trying to compensate for something much? 

Shake Shack versus Five Guys versus Byron versus Honest: BURGER WARS.

Homegrown, fancy-dan, gourmet burger restraints Byron and Honest Burger have been forging a reputation for deliciousness over the past five years. 

And now AMERICA, birthplace of ze hamburger, is sending over two fast-food behemoths to enter the fray: Five Guys and Shake Shack. 

Which is the most delicious and best value for money? Honest Burger is (10/10). But continue reading anyway if you want. 

Fries: Guy's fries are cooked in peanut oil, I guess that makes them pretty crisp; and potentially a good way of murdering a nut allergy sufferer. Or introducing Elephants to human food (make sure they aren't allergic). 

Shack Fries are crinkle-cut, and if modern society knew what an incredible conduit for ketchup these 80s revivalist fries are, all fries would be crinkled. 

By-Fries come with a choice of thin or chunky, and both are adequate; competent, even. But not spectacular. 

Honest fries have some good old-fashioned potato skin left on, so they are rustic-as; and they have rosemary so they are classy. Classy-as. 

Everyone does good fries, in fairness. 

Five Guys burgers are almost-smashed style and have a nice, well-done crust. And they are hella flexible on the toppings; like the dream of early 90s Burger King TV ads. You want it your way? You got it. I wanted onions, I got onions. 

Shake Shack give the choice of medium or well-done; and they do a very decent medium. Fantastic onions. 

Byron give the same choice, but have the added bonus of making you feel like a big man for ordering medium. Good onions. Very good. 

Honest just give you medium and it is freaking perfect; there's confidence, right there. Onions? Heck yes. 

You don't like onions on your burger? Yes you do, don't be ridiculous. 

Everyone has fantastic buns. Buns must surely represent the greatest advancement in the burger experience in the last 10 years. Lovely buns. Buns of steel.  

For drinks, it is unlimited soda refills at Five Guys: Five Guys, one cup. And they have grape; which is the greatest soda flavour known to man (except for black cherry, which is an esoteric sub-flavour: black cherry>grape>regular cherry). Infinite grape! 

Shake Shack has incredible shakes; as you would hope, nay, expect. They had a s'mores special on my visit; and oh, it warmed the soul like a thousand camp-site bonfires. 

Cream-soda is my go-to at Byron. They have a custom-made, unfiltered American lager from Camden Hells (which is hella good) booze-wise; but the on-the-wagon selection is, perhaps, slightly uninspired. 

Honest has homemade lemonade. And they have iced tea. I always wuss-out of asking for an Arnie Palmy, but one day. One day. 'What is an Arnie Palmy?' A manly drink! I will tell them. A manly drink. 

So, really, all the food and drink is great at all of them.

And yet, the price is the same. £15.00 for burger, fries and drink. 

Honest is the best burger, and the best fries; and, inexplicably, the least expensive. So go to Honest. 

Five Guys burger costs 6 bucks in America, and 6 quids in UK. Shake Shack burger costs $6.25 across the pond, and £6.25 in the UK. 

Dollars don't equal pounds! Do they not understand the exchange system? Well, neither do I; but I do have an app that'll convert it: $6.00 = £3.85!

£6.00? Come on, man. 

Honest and Byron are actual, sit-down restaurants with table service. 

Five Guys and Shake Shack are very nice fast-food joints; they both have better burgers than any McDonalds or Burger King you've ever had. But they are just fancy fast food joints, and neither has a burger to match Byron or Honest. And yet, they are charging the same? Possibly because they don't know (or care) what an exchange rate is? 

McDonalds and Burger King are a fiver for a meal. Byron and Honest are £15.00 for a meal. If Five Guys and Shake Shack were a tenner, you would go there all day every day; but they aren't. They could slot into the middle of the burger market, like some sort of meaty filling between some sort of bread; there is a niche there, but they don't. 

That drives me cray. They could charge a tenner and fit in nicely. But they don't. Doesn't that drive you cray? It drives me cray.

Cray for days.

Ronnie and Reggie Cray.

Honest>Byron>Shake Shack>Five Guys. 

Honest: 10/10

Byron: 9/10

Shake Shack: 8/10

Five Guys: 7/10

Gourmet Burger Kitchen? Man, eff Gourmet Burger Kitchen. 

Marvel’s Daredevil: Netflix original series.

Daredevil  is  blind,  his  power  is  he  can  see.  He  sort-of  works  as  a  lawyer,  but  mostly  as  a  vigilante.  He  likes  to  beat  baddies  bloody,  and  to  get  beaten  up  himself.  

Nerds  on  the  internet  love  Daredevil  because,  unlike  Spiderman  or  Thor,  your  auntie  couldn’t  pick  him  out  of  a  line-up.  

Like,  really  beaten  up.  Beaten  bloody  and  raw,  punctured,  bludgeoned.  There  is  a  guy  who  gets  decapitated  by  having  his  head  slammed  in  a  car  door,  there  is  a  guy  who  head-butts  a  jagged  metal  pole  through  his  own  eye-socket;  to  put  over  to  the  audience  how  scared  he  is  of  the  main  baddie. 

The  main  baddie  is  the  crime  Kingpin,  who  oversees:  The  Russian  Mafia  (they  beat-up  women)  The  Triads  (they  cut  out  the  eyes  of  their  heroin-sweatshop  slaves),  The  Yakuza  (they  are  also  ninja-assassins),  and  corporate  accountants  (the  most  evil  of  all  criminals  –  take  that,  one  percenters).

Nerds  on  the  internet  love  Kingpin  because  he  has  some  sort  of  undiagnosed  anxiety  disorder,  and  all  the  nerds  on  the  internet  think  they  have  some  kind  of  undiagnosed  anxiety  disorder  too.  

Intricate  criminal  underworld.  Ooo,  so  complex.

Brutal  violence.  Ooo,  so  gritty.

Everyone  drinks  whisky.  Ooo,  so  grown-up. 

At  a  wedding  where  TV  shows  are  the  guests,  Daredevil  is  the  surly  13  year  old,  sulking  that  they  have  to  sit  on  the  kids’  table. 

‘Take  me  seriously!’  Daredevil  screams,  with  its  pretentions  of  being  a  serious  crime  show;  after  all,  it  has  not  one,  not  two,  but  three  organised  crime  syndicates;  that  is  three  times  as  super  serious!

And  it’s  a  show  about  lawyers,  serious  lawyers.     

And  it  is  graphically  violent.  So  bleak,  like  real  life.

Marvel’s  Daredevil  isn’t  ashamed  of  being  a  comic  book  character,  but  it  does  have  a  chip  on  its  shoulder;  and  tries  to  distance  itself  from  its  Marvel  stable-mates  by  having  a  level  of  barbarousness  you  just  wouldn’t  get  in  Marvel’s  Agents  of  Shield. 

The  people  who  like  Marvel’s  Daredevil:  Netflix  original  series  are  the  same  people  who  call  comic  books  ‘graphic  novels’  –  you  don’t  need  that  in  your  life.    

And  while  this  violence  isn’t  cartoonish,  it  is  over  the  top. 

Like  Game  of  Thrones,  Daredevil  is  so  unrelentingly  violent  that  it  feels  pointless  developing  any  kind  of  attachment  to  any  of  the  characters;  they  are  just  going  to  end  up  with  some  horrible  fate.  So,  like  Game  of  Thrones,  you  switch  off  emotionally.

And  without  any  emotional  connection,  what  is  left?

‘*blerg*  Excuse  me,  I  just  coughed  up  some  gritty  realism, *cough*  so  bleak  *cough* ’

Well,  there  are  some  good  fight  scenes.  Very  good,  in  fact.  Although  punch-fatigue  soon  sets  in.  I  appreciate  DD  can’t  see  their  kissers,  but  does  he  ever  just  spark  someone  out  with  one  punch?  He  takes  as  long  to  dispatch  a  hired  goon  as  he  does  an  end-of-level  boss. 

There  is  some  very  occasional  lawyering,  something  I  would  have  liked  to  have  seen  more  of  before  resorting  straight  to  fisticuffs;  I  mean,  at  least  pretend  you  have  exhausted  all  legal  avenues  before  taking  the  law  into  your  own  fists. 

Your  own  bloody,  bloody  fists.

Daredevil  yellow:  quick,  apply  the  grittiest  color  filter  we  have!

Daredevil  is  disappointing  because  it  is  almost  good,  it  is  almost  great.  But  it  is  crippled  by  a  lack  of  confidence  in  itself  as  a  premise,  and  its  desperation,  its  pitiable  desperation,  to  be  seen  as  credible  by  those  outside  the  Marvel  sphere. 

Marvel’s  Daredevil:  Netflix  original  series  score:  3  out  of  10 

Review  Everything  scores  with  Just  a  Score  app  –  the  app  that  lets  you  score  anything.  

 

Season  two  preview:  Kingpin  beats  the  same  Russian  with  a  golf  club  for  8  episodes  while  DD  ‘watches’  from  the  corner,  masturbating.