Goomba’s shoe

Super  Mario  Bros  3.  World  5,  level  3. 

The  shoe  is  civilization.    

Experimentation  equals  reward.  If  you  jump  on  Goomba’s  head;  he  dies  and  falls  off  the  screen,  taking  his  shoe  with  him.  But  if  you  bop  the  block  he  is  standing  on  from  underneath,  Goomba  is  ejected  from  the  shoe  and  Mario  can  hop  in. 

First  of  all,  Mario  looks  adorable  as  he  hops  along;  like  he  is  doing  a  tiny  little  sack  race.  Secondly,  the  shoe  allows  Mario  to  jump  on  previously  un-stompable  badies:  Spinies  –  splat!  Piranha  plants  –  splat!  Fire-breathing  Piranha  plants?  Oh,  you  better  believe  -  splat!

Stomp!  Can’t  spike  me,  spiny  thing!  

This  is  what  a  power-up  should  be:  Letting  you  do  something  you  couldn’t  previously  do  before;  not  the  same  thing  but  flashier.

Mario  jumps,  therefore  he  is.  And  to  jump  on  those  spiky,  bitey  baddies;  oh,  I  feel  complete!    World  5,  level  3  is  at  a  point  in  the  game  just  before  it  gets  tricky,  and  this  empowering  level  is  like  a  little  reward  for  the  player.

And  as  you  finish  the  level  the  shoe  is  left  behind,  like  Cinderella  dashing  out  of  the  ball  at  the  stroke  of  midnight,  never  to  be  seen  again  in  any  subsequent  Mario  game.

Is  there  a  prince  roaming  the  Mushroom  Kingdom  searching  for  the  owner  of  the  shoe?  Passing  from  level  to  level  to  see  who  it  fits?  Since  it  perfectly  fits  the  most  common  enemy  in  the  game  you  can  only  assume  the  Prince  married  the  first  Goomba  he  came  across;  and  may  they  live  happily  ever  after.

The  sheer  scarcity  of  this  power-up  is  what  makes  it  such  a  treat,  and  so  fondly  remembered.  It  was  in  one  level,  of  one  game,  a  game  that  I  own  at  least  five  different  releases  of. 

5  out  of  5  socks.

Kuribo?  Jewel?  What  the  heck  was  peach  on  about?  No  one  knew.  

Cronut

Believe  the  hype;  the  Cronut  is  here  and  it  is  everything  we  dreamed  it  could  be.

Sicilian  lemon  Cronut? Dear  God,  please  yes!

This  love-child  of  croissant  and  donut,  this  pastry  aufheben,  was  brought  into  the  world  by  Dominique  Ansel,  at  his  eponymous  New  York  bakery;  where  New  Yoikers  queue  round  the  block  for  Cronuts  each  and  every  morning. 

Essentially,  a  donut  with  croissant  style  layers,  the  air  between  the  layers  adds  a  lightness  that  a  standard  donut  can  lack;  and  that  the  outside  forms  a  slight  crust  makes  the  Cronut  a  complete  textural  revolution. 

This  means  the  buttery  richness,  also  inherited  from  its  French  Mother’s  side,  is  distributed  through  the  layers;  not  just  in  one  stodgy  butterball.   

The  Sicilian  lemon  cronut,  from  the  Wild  Wood  cafe  on  New  Oxford  street  (“Yes,  we  have  Cronuts”),  adds  an  Italian  bent  to  this  already  cosmopolitan  treat  with  tangy  frosting  and  refreshingly  light  lemon  cream  filling.   

Wild  Wood  Cafe.  Damn,  this  place  is  tasteful.  

While  bakeries  who  served  imitation  Cronuts  (Doissants?)  in  America  were  served  legal  papers  for  intellectual  property  infringement,  the  Atlantic  Ocean  forms  a  legal  shield  which  makes  London  the  place  to  get  Cronuts  right  now.  So  get  them.  Right  now! 

Five  Cronuts  out  of  Five! 

The  Cronut  melts  in  your  mouth  as  though  you  have  eaten  nothing  at  all...

...But  you  have  eaten  something:  A  donut  that  they’ve  found  a  way  to  smuggle  more  butter  into.    

Jesus,  even  Greggs  are  doing  Cronuts! 

Luther

The  serial  litter  bug  continued  to  elude  DCI  Luther’s  grasp.   

Luther  is  scary,  for  sure.  But  only  because  it  borrows,  so  liberally,  the  techniques  and  tropes  of  slasher  horror: 

Camera  angles  from  the  killer’s  point  of  view,  the  victim’s  point  of  view.  Shadows  and  reflections;  we  see  things  the  victim  can’t.  Loud  Psycho  strings  bursting  the  silence.  Female  characters  are  seen  disrobing;  vulnerable,  exposed.   

Did  I  hear  a  noise?  Oh,  no,  it  must  be  nothing  (the  spurned  chance  for  the  victim  to  escape).  You  can  believe  this  behaviour  in  a  teen  slasher  flick  cheerleader,  but  of  an  educated,  professional  woman?  She  hides  behind  a  slatted  door  for  Christ’s  sake! 

https://vine.co/v/hKmetgxA1gt

Wargh!  A  Ghost!  No,  wait;  it’s  just  a  serial  killer  in  the  attic...  WAARRGGHHH!

The  schlock-horror  jars  with  the  detective  who  doesn’t  play  by  the  rules  in  a  gritty  city  premise.  There  is  nothing  wrong  with  being  a  bit  grim;  the  underlying  eeriness  of  Les  Revenants,  the  starkness  of  The  Killing,  and  the  realism  of  Stinger  Bell’s  own  The  Wire.  Yet  all  these  shows  have  light  against  the  shade,  which  makes  their  dark  sides  all  the  more  powerful.  The  unremitting  bleakness  of  Luther  makes  all  the  serial  killing  seem  mundane.     

Luther  wants  to  incorporate  the  psychological  thriller  aspects  of  a  Silence  of  the  Lambs  or  a  Se7en.  There  are  plans  for  a  Luther  movie;  maybe  it  is  better  suited  to  the  big  screen,  where  serial  killers  can  be  larger  than  life.  And  the  big  case  feels  like  a  once  in  a  career  event,  not  just  another  day  at  the  office.   

Luther  is  ambitious,  and  has  many  brilliant  aspects  for  which  it  must  be  commended,  not  least  of  all  the  magnetic  performance  of  its  lead:  Idris  Elba  undoubtedly  has  both  the  charisma,  and  the  talent,  to  carry  a  movie.  Hopefully  London’s  favourite  copper  will  have  a  chance  to  shine  on  the  silver  screen.  But  as  a  TV  police  procedural,  it  has its Wires crossed.     

3  Stars.  

Has  someone  fetish-murdered  Detective  Superintendent  Martin  Schenk’s  brain?  Why  has  he  gone  from  the  sharpest  of  the  intelligent  coppers  to  the  dullest?  

Fanboy  favourite  Alice  returns  for  the  season  finale.  

I  was  the  fourth  coolest  character  in  The  Wire,  which  makes  me  the  fourth  coolest  cat  in  the  world.

Crossed  Wires:  It’s  like  a  Touch  of  Frost  with  Stringer. This  BBC  crime  drama  is  saved  by  the  Bell. It’s  like  if  James  Patterson  wrote  The  Bill (The  Bell?)  [Use  these  half  finished  puns?  Only  at  the  very  bottom  where  no  one  will  see].  

Funny  Andrew  Collins  Guardian  video  blog  with  Luther  clips:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/video/2013/jul/09/luther-dates-skins-scandal-route-masters-video

Xbox One

Special guest review by Sania Lee - @SanWa__

Parental  advisory    –    explicit  language.   

Urgh

Xbone  is  your  fault.  Yes,  yours  you  damn  fan  boys.   

You’ve  been  sucking  Microsoft’s  dick  for  a  generation,  your  face  is  drenched  with  spunk;  and  now  you  decide  you  don’t  want  to  swallow  it?

Half  of  the  original  360s  broke  and  what  did  you  do?  “Its  cutting  edge  technology,  you  have  to  expect  some  niggles”,  “They  fix  it  for  you  in  a  month  or  so,  what’s  the  big  deal?”,  “it’s  not  any  less  reliable  than  any  other  console”.  You  fucking  apologists!  Microsoft  must  have  been  shitting  themselves  at  this  PR  disaster,  but  the  fan  boys  came  out  in  force  and  glossed  over  the  whole  thing.  Cover  those  black  eyes  with  concealer  all  you  like;  you  won’t  change  him.       

Do  you  enjoy  being  treated  this  way?  You  damn  sadists?  MS?  S&M  more  fucking  like. 

Kinect  always  on?  Thank  you,  Master  Microsoft.

No  lending  or  second-hand?  Thank  you,  Master  Microsoft,  may  I  have  another?

Check  in  every  24  hours?  Thank  you,  Master  Microsoft,  nnghh;  I  deserve  this.

You  sick  fucking  puppies.  This  isn’t  50  fucking  shades  with  the  red  room  of  pain;  red  ring  of  pain,  fucking  maybe.         

This  is  why  they  are  treating  you  like  shit  now;  you  can’t  say  you  didn’t  ask  for  it,  didn’t  beg  for  it.   

This  is  what  you  get  for  treating  consumer  electronics  like  a  sports  team;  you  don’t  stick  with  them  through  thick  and  thin,  not  matter  what.  When  they  start  sucking  you  buy  something  else;  you  don’t  go:  “I’m  a  loyal  fan,  I’m  sure  they’ll  turn  it  around.”  Brand  loyalty?  If  Proctor  and  Gamble  replaced  their  mild  green  fairy  liquid  with  harsh  yellow  hobo  piss  would  you  squirt  it  all  over  your  dishes,  confident  that  the  next  batch  would  be  as  delicate  on  your  skin  as  it  is  your  crockery? 

No  second-hand  games  or  lending?  The  future  of  buying  games  is  downloads.  Microsoft  knows  this,  and  Sony  knows  this.  But  Sony  had  the  good  sense  to  pay  lip-service  to  physical  media:  Sony  supports  second-hand  games!  (They’ll  be  obsolete  in  two  years  but  we  support  them  now).  While  Microsoft  makes  a  point  of  saying  ‘fuck  you’  to  everyone.

Up the bakey

At  least  Xbone  can’t  possibly  be  as  bad  as  the  negative  internet  reaction;  and  since  no  fucker  wants  to  buy  one  we  should  be  in  for  a  fat  old  price  cut  very  early;  or  at  least  mega-bundles  and  free  downloads.

And  PC  gamers  being  all  fucking  smug:  Fuck  you  PC  gamers.  Nobody  with  any  sense  wants  the  faff  of  playing  a  PC  game.  Update  your  drivers,  compatible  graphics  card,  install  the  fucking  thing;  oooh,  that’s  no  bother  at  all;  it’s  the  exact  same  thing  as  putting  the  disc  in  the  slot.  It’s  just  as  easy  as  a  game  console!  Is  it?  You  deluded  fucks!  Xboners  may  only  be  able  to  get  off  if  they’re  treated  a  little  rough  but  PC  gamers  would  have  sex  with  a  pig,  an  actual  fucking  pig,  and  not  be  able  to  understand  why  people  think  it’s  weird.  It’s  just  the  same  as  with  a  person!  Is  it?  You  deluded  fucking  fucks! 

I'll just watch

Why  is  everyone  so  quick  to  jump  on  the  Xbone  hate  wagon?  It’s  because  they  got  fucked  by  360.  They  got  fucked  and  were  told  to  grin  and  bear  it;  everything  will  be  better  next  time.  But  it’s  not  better;  they  are  treating  you  worse  than  ever.  Microsoft  is  a  cruel  prison  warden,  and  the  fucking  cell  doors  have  been  opened;  and  everyone  is  fucking  off  to  a  different  prison,  flipping  them  off  as  they  go. 

Just  don’t  drop  the  soap  in  the  PS4  shower.       

Because  they’ll  butt-fuck  you  too. 

In  the  butt. 

Xbone:  Sadists. 2/5

PS4:  Gotta  get  some  somewhere. 3/5

PC:  Pig  rapists. 1/5

WiiU:  Make  your  own  urolagnia  jokes,  you  damn  sickos.  Next  gen?  Next  gen  my  piss-hole. 2.5/5  

Oreo original chocolate sandwich cookie and Simply M&S Cocoa Vanilla Cream.

Ah,  the  monolithic  beauty  of  the  Oreo,  the  Yin  of  cocoa  biscuit  and  Yang  of  vanilla  cream.  The  Oreo  is  the  greatest  mass-produced  cookie  known  to  man;  of  this,  I  have  no  doubt.

And  it  is  seldom  imitated,  in  the  UK  at  least.  But  now,  that  most  British  of  institutions,  Marks  and  Spencer  have  released  the  Simply  M&S  Cocoa  Vanilla  Cream  as  shameless  an  Oreo  rip-off  as  you  could  ever  witness:  The  temerity! 

Yet  despite  being  produced  by  British  stalwart  Marks  and/or  Spencer  the  imitation  Cocoa  Vanilla  Cream  is  even  closer  to  the  classic  American  Cookie  archetype:  It  has  a  slight  softness  as  you  bite  into  it,  making  it  the  closest  store-bought  cookie  to  the  home-made  cooling-on-mammas-window-sill  ideal.   

This  slight  softness,  of  course,  makes  it  entirely  unsuitable  to  the  act  of  twisting  the  sandwich  halves  apart  and  licking  the  cream  side  clean;  the  Oreo’s  pièce  de  résistance. 

The  Oreo  consists  of  two  robust  discs,  so  sturdy  they  could  be  separated  reliably  by  the  fumbling  robo-fingers  of  a  drunk  Daft  Punk  at  a  corporate  teamwork-building  retreat;  where  bass-punk  is  the  describing  eyes  and  drum-punk  is  the  unsighted  arms  reaching  around.  The  SM&SCVC  however  requires  the  delicate  precision  and  soft  hands  of   an  infant  surgeon,  lest  it  crumble  back  to  the  cocoa  powder  from  whence  it  came.  

The  imposter  is  even  darker  than  the  original,  or  at  least  darker  than  the  UK  manufactured  cookie;  further  research  is  needed  to  compare  to  the  USA  version  -  made  with  Dutch-processed  cocoa,  which  makes  the  cookie  as  black  as  the  night.    

For  the  twist,  the  lick,  the  milk/coffee  dunk;  the  Cocoa  Vanilla  Cream  boasts  no  competition  whatsoever.  And  yet  the  imposter  is  a  dark,  delicious  alternative.  If  you  desire  a  less  ritualistic  cookie  experience  seek  out  the  Cocoa  Vanilla  Cream.  Or  just  cram  the  Oreo  straight  into  your  mouth.

They  both  get  5  stars.  I  love  cookies.  

STOP PRESS  -  M&S  Oreo  imitation  packaging  changes  to  blue,  thereby  being  even  more  a  blatant  imitation. 

STOP STOP PRESS  –  Oreo  Ice  Cream,  it  was  ok;  it  was  quite  plain.  You’d  be  better  off  getting  a  decent  vanilla  and  smushing  a  pack  of  Oreos  into  it.    

STOP  STOP  STOP  PRESS-    This  Oreo  cheesecake  cake (!)  is  taking  over  the  internet, check  it  out  at  the  fabulous  Erin’s  Food  Blog:  http://www.erinsfoodfiles.com/2012/03/oreo-cheesecake-cake.html

Django Unchained and Inglorious Basterds

Django Unchained and Inglorious Basterds are cowardly film-making; their bold, fantastic opening statements turn into embarrassed scratch the back of your head and stare at the floor trailings-off...  

Quentin Tarantino  is  not  innovative.  He  was,  but  doing  the  same  thing  for  twenty  years is not innovation.

Compromise blights Django; it is two separate films forced together, oil and water in the same vessel: The slick romp; with prancing horses,exploding cowboys and Ku Klux kill-streaks. And the soulful, touching buddy-story of a former slave and the bounty hunter who freed him; and their visit to the slave trader who owns his wife.

The same goes for Basterds,where the tri-lingual tension of drinking milk, ordering three whiskies and waiting for strudel is juxtaposed against Brad Pitt’s dirty dozen knock-offs and their flighty ‘I spit on your (mass) grave’ revengeocide.      

There is enough material to split either movie in two; the moving,human struggle against an individual tyrant with the broad back-drop of holocaust - with jaunty revenge rampages as companion pieces. Four great films in total, rather than two ok ones.

What’s that? A famous director has something important to say about holocaust? Wait, never mind; it’s just Quentin Tarantino. 

I don’t want to take away what makes a movie so Quentissentially Tarantino, but the geysers of blood and winking in-jokes aren’t what make his best work great.

Colourful characters, unconventional narrative structure, iconoclastic dialogue; these are the hallmarks of his greatness.

But now it seems his fan boys will get antsy if a caricature of a bigot doesn’t get his junk exploded by a twelve gauge, with a quote-to-your-mates pay-off line, while kitsch 70s lettering scrolls across the screen, and a retro soundtrack plays.  

Hops from genre to genre, doing a Tarantino film. Does he have anything of substance to say? If not, fine; but don’t pretend like you do.

Django Unchained is an average film, on average; the great parts are great, but the rest just detracts from that. The rompy, fun bits aren’t bad; and from the opposite perspective you might say the sad slavery stuff gets in the way of the fun, and this is a valid viewpoint too. But Django, and Basterds before it, do not form cohesive wholes.

Fine performances, fine dialogue, fine story; but the end products are far, far away from their potential - stymied by the dilettante auteur Quentin Tarantino.  

Django: 3 Stars

Basterds: 3 Stars

 

Christoph Waltz owns the two greatest opening scenes in recent cinema history. 

QT’s recent work is shackled by the shallow veneer of 90s cool as much as Spielberg’s is by sentimentality, or Michael Bay’s by awfulness.

IKEA ‘SENIOR’ Cast iron casserole dish with lid.

Happy stew year!

It’s January, that means it is stew season! Money tight after DMXmas? Stew! Resolution to learn to cook? Stew! Need warming up on a cold night? Stew! Stew! Stew!

Or casserole.

Speaking of money being tight a Le Creuset cast-iron, enamel coated, 24cm diameter base casserole dish/Dutch oven/crock pot (are these all the same thing?) costs £130. That’s not cheap. Ok, they last a lifetime, but I don’t have my lifetime’s crockery allowance to hand right now.

But Ikea have a cast-iron, enamel coated, 24cm diameter base casserole dish/Dutch oven/crock pot for £24: http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/70131724/

£24! That is a saving equivalent to a year’s worth of stew ingredients!

Half a kilo of chuck steak costs £5.00 from Waitrose. From Waitrose! That’s the good stuff, that’s a chunky handful of cow. Chuck steak is usually diced up and sold as braising steak, but stick it in the pot for three hours and there is no need to dice it; it falls apart when prodded with a silicone spatula, a wobbly rubbery spatula! Hoo, boy, that is some tender meat.

And the bone? The meat FALLS OFF! It just falls off the bone! And all that bony flavour stays in the pot; just pick the bone out with some soft-tipped tongs (you don’t want to go scraping the enamel having spent £130/£24 on the pot).

Half a shoulder of lamb is about a fiver as well, buying diced meat in a pack will typically set you back more than double that of buying a joint; and the flavour and tenderness are incomparable, incomparable I say!

Lamb stew!

I am super-excited for stew season, you can make such a variety and the principle is the same for each one:

Heat a drop of oil in the pot on the hob, brown the meat and set it aside, fry off some veg in the meat juices, season, add stock and stir, put the meat back in, put the lid on and transfer to the oven to cook low and slow. Stew!

Of course the only downside with it being from Ikea is that as a flat pack pot you have to smelt the iron and cast it yourself. No, of course not, but I did have to carry it home which damn near slayed me.

Ever wonder how your sweet old granny had the strength to pick you up by the scruff of the neck when you were being naughty? Even a medium sized, cast-iron dish weighs about 4 kilos; and that’s without anything in it.

If you want to make a stew, a cast iron pot is just the absolute best, you can always fry off in a pan and transfer to a Pyrex or earthenware dish for the oven stage; but I always felt I was losing some flavour in the transfer process, like it had somehow escaped from pan to dish. One pot keeps the flavour in and they are handsome enough to serve straight from the table. Buy a Le Creuset lid off eBay if you must show off to your friends.

£24? What a crock! Stewpendous! Score: 10 out of 10.

Review  Everything  scores  with  Just  a  Score  app  –  the  app  that  lets  you  score  anything.  

Bonus content - One stew fits all:

	Heat oil and brown the meat	Fry off the veg	Season	Add stock and put in oven.
Lamb pot roast	Brown lamb half shoulder on all sides and set aside.	Add chopped onions, and carrots and potatoes (or any root vegetable).	Season and add thyme.	Add a pint of stock and stir well. Reintroduce the meat (and any escaped juices), put the lid on and put in a low oven (160/150 fan) for three-four hours.
Lamb curry		Add two chopped onions – dupiaza means double onions! Put in a good spoon of madras paste. Add a tin of chick peas and tomatoes.	Add spices of your choice; paprika, cumin, garam masala, turmeric, curry powder, whatever!
Beef stew	Brown beef chuck steak or brisket on all sides and set aside.	Add chopped carrots and swede, I get mine from a bag as swedes are gigantic.	Add a tablespoon of corn flour and stir in to thicken. Season and add rosemary and bay leafs. A glass of red wine, or splash of port if none on the go, will add depth and de-glaze the base of the pot.
Chilli		Add chopped onions, red peppers, chillies and tomatoes. Add a tin of beans (kidney, black, pinto.)	Salt, black pepper, paprika, cayenne pepper, Tabasco  maybe some brown sugar if the tomatoes are too tart (or the chillies too hot!)
Ragu	Cut pork ribs so they fit easily into the pan. Brown the rib sections and remove from pan.	Add chopped fennel and garlic. Take some sausages out of their skins and add (or substitute onion for fennel and use fennel sausages – don’t double up on fennel; the aniseed taste will overpower).	Add a glass of red wine to de-glaze the base of the pot. Add salt and pepper, dried basil (fresh will turn to mush but feel free to use). Add a tin of tomatoes and stir in.

And these are just the ones I have actually tried. Moroccan lamb, ham and cider, hunter’s chicken, chorizo and white bean. Once you can cook one stew you can cook them all! Rabbit and pheasant if you are a Lord or gamekeeper or something. Go to it, go stew it! 

Brisket

Pot o chilli

Chilli and rice

Leftover stew? Put it is a pasty!  

OMG!? Portable stew!

Update: it is 30 notes now, that is still bargin city.