A DMXmas Carol

I’ve had a soft spot for DMX since accidentally purchasing the clean version of X Gon’ Give It to Ya from iTunes: Where every F-word (or M-F-word) was replaced with a muted silence, and every N-bomb with barks or growls.

But just when you think you can’t love the big dog any more he only goes and spits out a unique version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. An instant YouTube phenomenon with two million views in two weeks. Add to the tally here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXca4WcCzlo

Waving off a print-out of the words “I know the lyrics” X looks up into the distance and half-sings, almost under his breath, as he recalls the names  of the reindeer from the depths of his memory “...Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen...”. Then, after melodically recounting the other sleigh-pullers, his trademark throaty husk takes over as he launches into the carol proper while hammering out a slapped beat, hunched over the desk in front of him.

He even does his own hype: “And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows (c’mon, c’mon!)”

Stay out of my way, Mother-[______]!

For a tough-guy, jail-bird, hip-hop superstar to cover a Christmas carol, and such a twee, cuddly one, with such vigour and obvious enjoyment; oh it just warms my heart.

Aii yo, where my [WOOF] at?!

Merry DMXmas! A merry DMXmas to us all!

X out of 10

Jack Reacher movie casting

Standing 195 centimetres tall, Jack Reacher is the ex-military cop who drifts from town to town dishing out his own brand of justice by bear-hugging villains to death.

A clever trick of perspective is used whereby Cruiser’s co-stars stand in the distance so he towers over them playing Jack Reacher

Is Tom Cruise the right man for the role? The obvious choice is Liam Neeson. He is tall. But Jack Reacher is such a ridiculous character I think Cruiser may be one of the only actors in Hollywood capable of bringing any credibility to the role, or at least playing it with a straight face. With Neeson it would just be a less believable Taken, even with his military acting experience and almost correct height - just two cm off, according to the internet.  

Jack Reacher is like video game character: He is improbably stealthy for such a massive guy, he is great at hand to hand combat and long range sniping and everything in between.  He wears the same clothes every day and regains energy by eating and sleeping in random places. He also plays devil’s advocate with himself and does all his own exposition.

But he isn’t a game, yet. He is the protagonist of Lee Child’s best-selling series of books,  and now the title character of the motion picture adaption of One Shot; the ninth novel in the series.

Lee Child: ‘Tom Clancy for chavs’? 

Jack Reacher the movie is sure to appeal to its target audience: People who enjoy pointing out the differences between films and the books they are based on. And upon its release this Boxing Day Jack Reacher will be all their Christmases come at once. Ten inches shy of the eponymous character’s literary height; this shortcoming seems as great an oversight as Harry Potter not wearing glasses, or Bella cracking a smile.   

But did you know that Morgan Freeman’s character from Shawshank Redemption, wily old contrabander Red, was a ginger haired Irishman in the book? If that casting decision were made today there would be outrage! Essentially, if you don’t think Tom Cruise is the right man for the role of Jack then you are a racist.   

And speaking of Shawshank Tim Robbins is 6.5ft; and no one can seriously think he has the charisma to carry a movie of this kind? Very few actors do.

God, I hope cruiser bear hugs someone to death

I really enjoyed One Shot the book, it was pretty trashy; but I do like to see a baddie getting their just desserts. It was definitely a page-turner, and I am pretty optimistic about the film adaptation where I won’t actually even have to turn said pages.

Casting score: 5.7/6.5

You only get one shot, so make it count. You might never get this moment again...

Shining Force – The Legacy of Great Intention. iPhone, Mega Drive (Videogame)

The Legacy of Great Intention? Now that sounds like a cautionary tale, oddest game subtitle ever contender, anyone?

I find iPhone conversions of vintage games really hard to steer with my fat thumb fumbling against the glass of the onscreen substitute d-pad, it’s like my little hero is coming back from the tavern drunk as he staggers off to save the kingdom. Still, it doesn’t matter too much if he takes a few attempts to get through a door since he is just wandering around the villages and castles in-between battles; and those are turn-based so the bad guys will wait patiently for him to sober up enough to lamp them one.

"Thanks, but no thanks, 'your holiness'; as an atheist I shan’t be resurrecting by fallen comrades.”

You start off with a ramshackle band of followers, and you can make do with them; but the special characters that join your party along the journey are way, way better: Your standard warrior replaced with a mystical dragon, your steadfast dwarf by a monster in a steam-powered robo-suit, and your elfin archer by a centaur with a bazooka.

Now, a steam-powered robo-suit, that I can get behind; but towards the end of the game there are full-on robots. Electric-powered robots! They jar with the quasi-medieval fantasy setting; but at least this differentiates Shining Force from all the other quasi-medieval fantasy settings, so prevalent in RPGs of this ilk. It is like this game is set in the bridge that leads from medieval zone to future zone in The Crystal Maze.
 

Anyway, your poor team; earnest, willing, and replaceable as you come across über-powered new recruits. I suppose you could stick with your original crew, like a sentimental masochist, certainly if you appreciate a challenge you should; as soon as Werewolf, Ninja and Priest-who-heals-everybody-at-once join, your team of ringers will be unstoppable. I can’t really comment; I played like a billionaire sheik ruining the grass-roots ethos of the baddie team from Space Jam.

As per old-school RPG tradition there is no post-game; once you see the credits you are done. You can play the last battle over and over if you really want to max your guys, but you soon feel like you’re bullying poor Dark Dragon. The Game Boy Advance remake (Resurrection of the Dark Dragon) does start you back at the beginning with tougher baddies, but at 99¢ on the app store for the Genesis port you couldn’t really argue the GBA cart represents better value for money.

Yay 90s box art! Yay mini-skirts for men!

The script is pretty funny, and some of the locations are quite memorable; there is a dramatic battle on a rope bridge, and a town of caravans that have driven off by the time you finish your battle.

Random encounter haters take heart: the game is split into 30 set battles and does a better job than most of its genre descendants at linking village exploration to battle-time; using the same engine, and even the same locations – enemy encounter in a village? Gasp! I love Disgaea, but it’s easy to be abstract; teleporting from one floating grid to the next. Shining Force has a good sense of continuity to the adventure, without juddering from map screen, to battle screen, to cut scene.

I wish the game was really bad, then I could end the review: ‘The road to hell is paved with Great Intentions’. But Shining Force is good; if you are in the mood for an early 16-bit RPG then this is a cute one and it is noteworthy in history as one of the progenitors of the tactical RPG scene, yet it has aged well. You could even say... the road to heaven is paved with great intentions. I wouldn’t say that, because it’s not as good as Fire Emblem, but you could say that.    

7/10

The road to seven is paved with great intentions. I’ll stop now. 

Spoiler warning!