Homegrown, fancy-dan, gourmet burger restraints Byron and Honest Burger have been forging a reputation for deliciousness over the past five years.
And now AMERICA, birthplace of ze hamburger, is sending over two fast-food behemoths to enter the fray: Five Guys and Shake Shack.
Which is the most delicious and best value for money? Honest Burger is (10/10). But continue reading anyway if you want.
Fries: Guy's fries are cooked in peanut oil, I guess that makes them pretty crisp; and potentially a good way of murdering a nut allergy sufferer. Or introducing Elephants to human food (make sure they aren't allergic).
Shack Fries are crinkle-cut, and if modern society knew what an incredible conduit for ketchup these 80s revivalist fries are, all fries would be crinkled.
By-Fries come with a choice of thin or chunky, and both are adequate; competent, even. But not spectacular.
Honest fries have some good old-fashioned potato skin left on, so they are rustic-as; and they have rosemary so they are classy. Classy-as.
Everyone does good fries, in fairness.
Five Guys burgers are almost-smashed style and have a nice, well-done crust. And they are hella flexible on the toppings; like the dream of early 90s Burger King TV ads. You want it your way? You got it. I wanted onions, I got onions.
Shake Shack give the choice of medium or well-done; and they do a very decent medium. Fantastic onions.
Byron give the same choice, but have the added bonus of making you feel like a big man for ordering medium. Good onions. Very good.
Honest just give you medium and it is freaking perfect; there's confidence, right there. Onions? Heck yes.
You don't like onions on your burger? Yes you do, don't be ridiculous.
Everyone has fantastic buns. Buns must surely represent the greatest advancement in the burger experience in the last 10 years. Lovely buns. Buns of steel.
For drinks, it is unlimited soda refills at Five Guys: Five Guys, one cup. And they have grape; which is the greatest soda flavour known to man (except for black cherry, which is an esoteric sub-flavour: black cherry>grape>regular cherry). Infinite grape!
Shake Shack has incredible shakes; as you would hope, nay, expect. They had a s'mores special on my visit; and oh, it warmed the soul like a thousand camp-site bonfires.
Cream-soda is my go-to at Byron. They have a custom-made, unfiltered American lager from Camden Hells (which is hella good) booze-wise; but the on-the-wagon selection is, perhaps, slightly uninspired.
Honest has homemade lemonade. And they have iced tea. I always wuss-out of asking for an Arnie Palmy, but one day. One day. 'What is an Arnie Palmy?' A manly drink! I will tell them. A manly drink.
So, really, all the food and drink is great at all of them.
And yet, the price is the same. £15.00 for burger, fries and drink.
Honest is the best burger, and the best fries; and, inexplicably, the least expensive. So go to Honest.
Five Guys burger costs 6 bucks in America, and 6 quids in UK. Shake Shack burger costs $6.25 across the pond, and £6.25 in the UK.
Dollars don't equal pounds! Do they not understand the exchange system? Well, neither do I; but I do have an app that'll convert it: $6.00 = £3.85!
£6.00? Come on, man.
Honest and Byron are actual, sit-down restaurants with table service.
Five Guys and Shake Shack are very nice fast-food joints; they both have better burgers than any McDonalds or Burger King you've ever had. But they are just fancy fast food joints, and neither has a burger to match Byron or Honest. And yet, they are charging the same? Possibly because they don't know (or care) what an exchange rate is?
McDonalds and Burger King are a fiver for a meal. Byron and Honest are £15.00 for a meal. If Five Guys and Shake Shack were a tenner, you would go there all day every day; but they aren't. They could slot into the middle of the burger market, like some sort of meaty filling between some sort of bread; there is a niche there, but they don't.
That drives me cray. They could charge a tenner and fit in nicely. But they don't. Doesn't that drive you cray? It drives me cray.
Cray for days.
Ronnie and Reggie Cray.
Honest>Byron>Shake Shack>Five Guys.
Honest: 10/10
Byron: 9/10
Shake Shack: 8/10
Five Guys: 7/10
Gourmet Burger Kitchen? Man, eff Gourmet Burger Kitchen.
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